Well in one way, yes. The pain of the finality hits as the truth of Ben’s disease screams out at us from the autopsy. On the other hand we can be at peace, knowing that our death-bed decision to turn off Ben's medication and let him move on was the correct one. The report reads: "Following discussion with the family, treatment was withdrawn on 8/12 due to poor prognosis and lack of response and the patient passed away."
Saturday 6th: Ben's day out in his bed where he woke up in the sun and the breeze. "This is perfect" he said.
Sunday 7th: A shower in the morning but Ben's body was deteriorating so the doctors recommended putting him into a coma on a respirator again. He agreed.
Monday 8th: At 3am Chris went to the hospital as Ben wasn't doing well. About 9am the doctors told us that his condition was worsening and it looked like we might have to let him go. "I've got some pretty sick patients in here but Ben is by far the worst. I'm so sorry, this is such a shame. We can make some small adjustments but there is very little we can do."
By lunchtime the respirator was up to 100% oxygen but Ben's blood oxygen levels were still dropping. His temperature was high and he had ice packed around him. His body was only holding on due to the respirator, the oxygen, the blood pressure drugs, and the constant infusions of other drugs and blood products. "Numerous systems are in failure. He will soon start to develop small clots in his limbs, which will lead to necrosis in his hands and feet. His digestive system isn't processing any food. Despite glucose infusions his glucose levels are dangerously low." Earlier they had dropped to zero where the brain cannot function for much more than a minute without damage.
We consulted with various doctors and made the decision. Then we waited for Matt to arrive from school and said our goodbyes. The oxygen level was turned down to normal (21%) and the blood pressure drugs were withdrawn.
It was a terrible time watching his vital signs slip downhill so immediately. In less than fifteen minutes his heart stopped.
In a covering letter, Ben's specialist said he had no doubt that the rapidly progressing lymphoma was the cause of his death. The specialist said that from all the clinical signs and the findings of the post-mortem we could be confident that Ben could not have recovered due to the underlying lymphoma.
For those who are interested, we’ve copied a few details:
Cardiovascular system: nothing remarkable and the heart was a normal weight. Combined kidney weight was 500g, normal is 230-440. Left lung was 1109g (325-480 is normal) and right lung was 1168g (360-570 is normal). Liver weighed 3000g (normal is 1500-1800.)
The conclusion of the report refers to "a 23 year old male with NK/T cell lymphoma who died with neutropenic sepsis [an overwhelming infection that in Ben's case involved multiple organ failure, along with a low level of neutrophils - a type of white blood cell that fights infection] following a lack of response to chemotherapy. Lymphoma was found extensively in the bone marrow, lymph nodes and liver. The cause of death is diffuse alveolar damage in the setting of disseminated lymphoma."
Lindy
2 comments:
You are so brave and you are right. Rest easy he would say. I am well and know your pain and it is mortal and tied to faith. I share the pain but now understand and observe and see how great your faith, your love, your loss and I can wait.
Celebrate your life. Mine was full. We shall meet.
This makes me realise how little justice the word 'brave' does to explain bens fight... thankyou for sharing those last few moments and the battle in such detail... though it triggers more tears, i find myself so grateful that his pain is no more.
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