Three months after purchasing an item of technology, its price is
severely devalued. The same can't be said about grief. There isn't an
equation for grief; it's not as mathematical as some would like it to
be. Grief isn't necessarily inversely proportional to time past.
For me, Ben's death is similar to what I imagine an amputation might
be like. An amputation involves losing a part of yourself. After this,
one has to re-adjust to life without what has been lost. This is the
stage where things are at now. Even though people are independent
beings, strong friends form part of who you are and for this reason
losing someone is like losing a part of who you are. Once this has
happened, you have to make adjustments in order to be able to cope
without what has been lost.
I've heard that when people undergo an amputation they will sometimes
forget that they have lost a limb and will perform actions as if it
was there, such as taking a corner wider than necessary to avoid
hitting the non-existent limb on the wall. In the same way, I find
myself forgetting that Ben is no longer around and when I see
something that would have interested him I go to pull out my phone to
message him and then I get that helpless feeling when I remember that
there's no way to communicate this with him anymore…
6 comments:
Thanks Tim... aptly put in so many ways. Grief is such an interesting process - including the dreams which only seem to last for a short time. Then the thoughts, the familiarity with the one lost...amazingly that will always be there and nobody can take away the memories even tho the photos may fade (altho not so much now thanks to the joys of computers!)Maybe you find that Ben doesn't occupy your thoughts every second now, maybe not even every minute and perhaps not even every hour. He may be slipping from your grip but he will always be a part of your lives in some way. Our love and thoughts are with you guys...
Love Suz
Hey Tim,
In 'A Grief Observed', CS Lewis uses exactly the same comparison you have - amputation. Have a read sometime if you haven't already, might have some other helpful resonances.
TP
Hi Tim, thanks so much for your post.I loved your description of grief-not inversely proportional to time past! You sum up it's unpredictable character -its ability to come out of nowhere beautifully.Give my special love to Mum and looking forward to hearing how Med is going.
Thinking of all of you
xx love Jane & Sam xxxx
Thanks Tim, We missed you both last Saturday.
Pete
Tim, I can only imagine your pain. I think if I lost Nikki...
Thinking about you all lots.
Love always
Meg
Amigo..si a mi tanto me cuesta darme cuenta, entender.. no quiero imaginarme lo que significa para vos. Hoy pense en ustedes, y en Benjamín, y es difícil imaginar un reencuentro donde él no esté, todavía no puedo, y cuando me doy cuenta de mi error, pensando q nos encontraremos, se siente un vacío muy grande..sin embargo pienso q es la muestra de que siempre estará presente, de uno u otro modo, Ben sigue con cada uno de nosotros, de la manera en que lo recordamos..
Que estés bien.. espero poder verte dentro de poco, y darte un abrazo fuerte que hace tiempo tengo aqui atrapado..
Cuidate y saludos a toda tu familia..
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