Someone said the other day; "Have X and Y lost the plot? They were talking to me as if Ben died last week!"
"He did" I replied, surprised that not everyone felt the same: today, yesterday, last week. Forever.
And while the years keep rolling on, Ben the living still speaks. Ben the man of 23 who was nobody's puppet, nobody's fool and nobody's property, screams out to be remembered.
And as he nags at me to remember him, as he was, I am drawn once again, to a song on a CD called 'Speechless' by Steven Curtis Chapman. The song is 'Whatever'.
If you want to know how the real Ben lived out his last few years of life and the strength of his belief, as he got sicker and sicker, I think the words and the style of this song says it. The lyrics are below and you can hear and see it on YouTube here."Whatever" by Steve Curtis Chapman
I made a list, wrote down from A to Z
All the ways I thought that You could best use me
Told all my strengths and my abilities
I formed a plan it seemed to make good sense
I laid it out for You so sure You'd be convinced
I made my case, presented my defense
But then I read the letter that You sent me
It said that all You really want from me is just
Whatever, whatever You say
Whatever, I will obey
Whatever, Lord, have Your way
'Cause You are my God, whatever
So strike a match, set fire to the list
Of all my good intentions, all my preconceived ideas
I want to do Your will no matter what it is
Give me faith to follow where You lead me
Oh, Lord, give me the courage and the strength to do ...
I am not my own
I am Yours and Yours alone
You have bought me with Your blood
Lord, to You and You alone do I belong
And so whatever
We have asked for permission to publish these lyrics on this page.
1 comment:
I haven't read this blog for some time but as I approach the fourth anniversary of the death of my eldest child I felt the need to check back in. I didn't know Ben but have felt a connection to your grief almost as if there is some special club that only those who have lost a child can belong to. My son, the eldest of 5 too, would be 29 this year. I have read your entries over the last four years and felt a reassurance that the journey ahead can be filled with both joy and sadness and that's okay. We carry our grief like a pebble in our pocket - it will always be there, at times feeling like a brick weighing us down but then other days you forget it's there until you reach in for whatever reason and there it is...a constant reminder as you said of the " constant presence of his absence".
Thankyou again for sharing your journey
Cathy
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