When better is worse and worse is better

It's over four months now since Ben died and less than ten months
since he was first diagnosed.

I'm a bit confused really. My problem is that when I feel a bit
better about Ben's death I feel worse and when I feel worse I feel
better. Mmm... sounds like I am confused doesn't it? But perhaps it
all makes sense. I think it goes like this:

As time goes by, my experience (and I only speak for myself) is that
my moments of anguish and tears are getting more spaced out. So on
that score, I'm feeling a bit better. But as I reflect on that, I feel
the pain of letting go of Ben and not feeling the intenisity of pain
that losing him deserves. If I don't feel that intensity then it seems
he's further away and I am not valuing the relationship as I should.
And for that, I feel worse. So when I feel better I also feel worse.

And when I feel worse I feel better because the most painful moments
are also the moments of feeling closest to Ben: remembering his voice
and life together and moments in hospital, particularly the last few
days.

So grief has its stages and ambiguities doesn't it? And for the
counsellors amongst this blog's readers: don't worry, I'm not racked
with guilt for not feeling worse... but thank you for caring!

May this Easter be a time of thinking about resurrection and the One
in whom Ben trusted for his own resurrection.

Chris