Whatever - from Lindy

Someone said the other day; "Have X and Y lost the plot? They were
talking to me as if Ben died last week!"

"He did" I replied, surprised that not everyone felt the same: today,
yesterday, last week. Forever.

Ben the living (not the 2D image), still screams out to me to remind
me that Ben - that young man forever carried around in my heart - is
not just a caricature or a memory or anything else. He is still Ben:
active, laughing, strong, thinking, private.

He told me that it 'pissed him off' that when he was conscious in ICU
we would all come in and hold his hand. I smile to remember it. As if
there were other ways left to us of making contact. Even when he was
conscious he had an oxygen mask over his face and in those last few
weeks his voice was weak and gravelly and it was hard to understand.

It was quite comical to combine his weak voice with our growing
hearing challenges. We often had a sibling interpreter to help us
along. Ben was so weak that to have to repeat what he said was worse
than anything. After he died Matt wanted to hear Ben's voice on his
mobile. He said how much he had hated Ben's sick voice ☹.

Anyway... Ben the living still speaks. Ben the man of 23 who was
nobody's puppet, nobody's fool and nobody's property, screams out to
be remembered. Not some namby-pamby 'beautiful son' which is of course
how mothers talk about their adult sons!

And as he nags at me to remember him, I was drawn more and more to a
song on a CD that blares out in the car as I drive along. The song is
'Whatever' and it's from an album that I love by Steven Curtis
Chapman, called 'Speechless'.

If you want to know how the real Ben, not the flat-daddy type Ben,
lived out his last few years of life at least, and stunningly and
passionately so as he got sicker and sicker, I think the words and the
style of this song says it. The lyrics are below and you can hear and
see it on YouTube here.

Whatever. Whatever. Whatever.

Let me know what you think.

"Whatever" by Steve Curtis Chapman

I made a list, wrote down from A to Z
All the ways I thought that You could best use me
Told all my strengths and my abilities
I formed a plan it seemed to make good sense
I laid it out for You so sure You'd be convinced
I made my case, presented my defense
But then I read the letter that You sent me
It said that all You really want from me is just

Whatever, whatever You say
Whatever, I will obey
Whatever, Lord, have Your way
'Cause You are my God, whatever

So strike a match, set fire to the list
Of all my good intentions, all my preconceived ideas
I want to do Your will no matter what it is
Give me faith to follow where You lead me
Oh, Lord, give me the courage and the strength to do ...

I am not my own
I am Yours and Yours alone
You have bought me with Your blood
Lord, to You and You alone do I belong
And so whatever

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